Help.

Help.

We all need it. We sometimes have difficulty admitting we do. 

People we all need them. Sometimes we have difficulty admitting we do. 

God we need Him. Sometimes we have difficulty admitting we do. 

Life on your own, as independent and adventurous as it may be, it leads to loneliness. 

Loneliness reminds you of need. The need for help, relationships, a greater purpose. 

Life's big questions of what is most important dictates how you live. The decisions you make. 

The minor and major choices daily and overtime. 

Consideration of this... takes time, experiences, suffering, happiness, hindsight, advice, lessons. 

Simple answers is what we want. 

Long suffering is what we need. 

There are few things as frustrating to me then ambiguity. We have been in a season of ambiguity. Lots of changes, uncertainties, re-evaluating, lots of grown up conversations. Starting a family definitely doesn't just bring the physical changes, but the spiritual, mental... and priorities definitely change. Choices change. 

Most ambiguous of all these days is our faith. Not in a doubting way but in our daily relationship with God. It is no longer eloquent, its no longer pretty. There are no longer tied bows at the end of our prayers.

As our journey with Christ continues we find that we have more questions then answers about what God desires of us and how we live that out. 

The church answers don't work for us anymore. 

We've watched them fail and hurt people. 

The quick answers don't work for us anymore. 

We've watched them destroy intimacy and depth in people. Destroy relationship.

We are tired of pretty packaging with bows, we are sick and tired of isolating denominational beliefs and traditions, and those unwilling to negotiate their theologies. Why? Because life is not simple. The Bible is a pretty long and complicated book. And we've personally lived before and are fragile to fall into the pride and routine of having "the right answers" and living in a faith that answers life's messiness by these "right answers", traditions, theologies, and a way of doing things. 

We have been refreshed by a community of honest individuals. We have been refreshed by watching a group of people not pretending. Not trying to be perfect, but genuinely passionate about grace. They are short on what they do and long on what God has done for them. 

This time of ambiguity and consideration is imperfect. It's had us broken, frustrated, angry. But I have never been so in love with the grace of Christ, because I am in need of it. And I believe I'm beginning to understand how that looks now. No longer trying to live with pretty bows, everything is alright, and right answers. Living in honesty with people who don't ignore their sin, don't pretend they don't have any. They just live. honestly. willing. wanting Jesus' grace to be the change. Love is messy, life is messy and embracing this has never made me feel closer to Jesus. Not trying and letting Jesus- so I can feel when He is genuinely acting on my behalf. When I am quick to forgive, extend grace, love others well, act in humility, have patience, act kindly, am self controlled ... I know It's Him. Its not because of my half-assed attempt to try and be "christian." It's the Holy Spirit on my behalf because of grace and nothing else. 

Help. I need it from God. I need it from people. 

Long suffering, brings genuine discovery. Genuine Love. 

Ambiguity. Unsettling but freeing. 

Grace. It's love. The most beautiful, saving thing I've ever experienced. 

Confessions of a Recovering Pharisee

So in my first post - I had said I wanted to share a paper I had written in grad school from the addictions class I was taking. The point of the paper was to examine yourself and find out what you were addicted to.  I discovered that my mind was the point of my addiction and though there were no obvious outward "destructive" behaviors- I began to realize that it truly did affect everything I did and said. Here is just the end part.

"..... My addiction: legalism, a love relationship with the law. A solitary relationship to Christ that no one could touch, change, or take away from me. It is me, and God. He is the only person that will never let me down. He is the one person whom I should aim to please in this life with my actions, thoughts, dreams, desires, with my all- He is the only one that deserves it. And so I became an expert of the law. Works, right attitudes, deep understandings, and spiritual routines became my drug of choice and I constantly craved more! It was how I numbed the feelings of unworthiness, anger, confusion; I had a  desire for real relationships but was not willing to be disappointed. I wasn't willing to let down my walls that drove me into the ground of holding myself to a standard so high.  I filled that desire for relationship, with God. I held onto the Scriptures that fueled my self-righteous attitude and ignored the ones about grace, love, community– except of course when I had failed and in the comfort of my room, I'd confess how un-together I was.

And so yes, God my loving Father’s truth’s kept me so close and near to Him, saving me from many heartaches and trauma’s, but leading me to this place of needing to release a sinful idolatry of the law. The last addiction of I can do this myself; I have it all together. To now breaking me to understand fully His word, fully His heart, and His love. I was and am detached, I didn’t and I don’t know how to be broken. I didn't know how to admit I was wrong, and that I could cause pain or hurt. Everything-everyone, I was fine. I had conditioned myself to not be broken. It was a game of knowing how to say the right things at the right time; my specialty. But they all lacked compassion. All this truth detached of real emotion. Detached of love. Full of selfishness. Selfish motives- to protect self. I feared, I hurt, and I numbed it with the law and selfish dreams. I did not and do not know how to sit in the emotion of hurt. So the way I cope is to justify it with Scripture, using it as expectations or challenges instead of freedom to just be. How exhausting to feel like everything must have a definite reason and I must know it now or within a day because I must keep fighting this battle of legalism to keep up appearances-surely God does not want me to hurt or show it. The ways this central belief play out in my day to day life or in other relationships, the ways are countless but I tell you of my hope now.

            It is God’s grace that these self-inflicted expectations have begun to unravel in the last 4 years through experiences, but most significantly when I met my husband. He challenged me to my core in this area because everything about who he is, is vulnerability and calm strength that allows Him to sit in God’s grace. I would fight him on everything but I desired the gentle heart and consistent love, truth, and freedom he spewed onto me in the most non-judgmental way. In our marriage I have been able to stand on the line over and over again and choose to let him see my vulnerability or I would relapse as we would say and get high on my way, self-righteous tangent of how something was not good enough. My husband is and has been the greatest example of the Gospel to me a Pharisee who is comforted by the law. My husband and this class have been tools in freeing me from the chains that found my identity and relief in having it all together, and unrealistic expectations both practically and spiritually.  I wrote in my journal the other night that I feel a huge part of me has died. I feel right now that I am grieving over my old habits, patterns, hurts, fears, judgments, resentments, selfishness, blindness, to name a few. And my addiction and flesh desperately want to tell you I have the answer. And in some ways I feel I do because of this class, the Gospel and, learning to be still in God’s grace. I want to tell you how this is going to play out in my life, how I am going to change, how I am going to love better because of this. But for now I know I just need to sit in brokenness for however long it takes. To repent and mull over the things revealed by this class, and my addiction. To risk being vulnerable- a place that justification of any kind cannot be."

Man, I feel God has released so much in this past year my "addiction" or burden to obey the law out of appearances or because we are supposed to as Christians.  This year has been freedom in every aspect, yet it has also been a year that I have seen my prayer life and my dependence on God grow and strengthen. Its ironic how when you live in freedom and grace, you are actually more dependent and its from a place that you cannot fake. You are real with yourself and others, you can extend grace to yourself and others. You realize loving people and their stories is more important then preaching to them about right and wrong. What doors that opens! Now my struggle is being around those still stuck in legalism. Those people infuriate me, I don’t want to be around them because it reminds me of how blind and closed off I was…and yet I was there before. So how can I show grace to them even if they never change.  If I talk about the freedom and share my deepest experiences and they just nod their head not willing to be vulnerable back- then what? I crave real relationships. Because there I can see God’s beauty and glory revealed through genuine honesty. And its “addicting.”  How funny our nature to be addicted to something. Ah learning the art of balance. Learning how Jesus associated with everyone out of the same love even if it was in different ways. Let me learn this now Jesus…

And now when I look at my beautiful pure baby boy I ask myself how can I raise him in a way so that he discovers and desires genuine faith and relationship with God. How can I show right and wrong without creating rules and regulations to follow? I want him to love God with all his heart first and live in and marvel at the grace and freedom God gives and in light of that live out of obedience and conviction! I daily want that for myself too!

thanks for listening :)

A Baby Blanket and a Believer...

Almost a year ago, as Jason started the recruitment process to become a deputy the first individual he made contact with was his recruitment officer, a Christian woman whose husband is a deputy and they have been at the Sheriffs office for 25 years. A Christian, who expressed on the very first meeting how they needed more believers and men like Jason on the force- that was our first clue God was up to something. Susan has been praying for us and for Jason during this whole process and continually helping and encouraging him through all the steps. She offered to meet up with me or talk on the phone anytime with any questions or fears that I may have. She was first to call Jason with the good news that he had been selected, and just yesterday... Jason came home from orientation with a gift from her. She crocheted Cole a baby blanket - and with it came a card that said every stitch represents a prayer lifted up for both of you and your new baby. I seriously was so overwhelmed and speechless at her sincere kindness. I was overwhelmed at God's great love for our family- of how He continues to place sincere Christians in our life to encourage us and show us His grace and love. In what can be a scary and intense profession, it has been a HUGE comfort to know that Jason has had a prayer warrior inside the Sheriff's office and someone rooting him on who knows just what the job puts you through personally.  We are so encouraged and we can just smile and know that God is watching over us. 
I want to be more like Susan. She wrote me back in an email that her spiritual gifts include intercession and encouragement.  I would say so!  She is using her strengths to lift up others. Do I do that? Am I using the gifts God has given me to bless others? How important is it to me to use my time in small but GREAT ways like this? Susan spent her time, her prayers on Jason and I. And I have never met her. Jason has known her for almost a year. Wow. It is in these glimpses of God and His love in others that inspire me, humble me, and remind me God is near. Grateful for Susan. Grateful and overwhelmed by sincerity. 

God is doing a New Thing...

New Life and a New Path are definitely where Jason and I find ourselves these days. Other than the most obvious, which is awaiting the arrival of our first born baby Cole any day now; God has been growing more than just our son this past year. He has been growing and changing us!
I feel like we could summarize this past year and a half with one word...UNPLANNED. This has been the best unplanned year of my life. In hindsight God was working all these things together so that He could begin something new. 

- We didnt plan to leave a community we thought we moved to be apart of

- Jason didnt plan on only teaching for a year

- We didn't plan on starting a house church 

- I didn't plan on getting into my dream grad school program only to stop 3 months in because.... we received the greatest blessing ever: 

- We found out we were pregnant, with a baby boy!!! 

- We didn't plan that Jason's seeking with God for a new career path would lead him to law enforcement and after almost a year of recruitment Jason got offered the sponsorship to be a Sheriff deputy for Orange County!

Our faith this year was definitely stretched, challenged, and grown. We are so thankful for the amazing people God brought into our lives to challenge us and encourage us during this time and show us what Christ like community and living looks like. Jason for me, was probably the most influential person along with the Holy Spirit of course to do this for me-Personally, these lessons shook all of what I had been accustomed to, to the core and I feel so blessed to feel like I know Jesus better, I know His grace and love deeper, and I understand the freedom that He gives to live in a way that reflects that grace and love daily to yourself and others. Knowing Jasons heart and probably my three months at RTS in the Counseling program  made me take a microscope to my beliefs, the way I view myself, God, and others. I am so so grateful for how God has broken and humbled me to see clearer. I'll have to share a paper I wrote during that time, about an addiction to religiosity! =) Anyways, 

It is amazing to me, the path that the Lord prepares. It can look nothing like you thought it would, and yet it is perfect. I am so grateful that the path we thought we were on, fell apart. 

God has changed me in so many ways because of it and I feel like it has been a gift.  I am so grateful for the hard things, being uncomfortable, not knowing, questioning, being humbled, because it forced me to seek God intensely and listen. To examine my thoughts, my heart, to examine how everything I was experiencing needed to change me to be more like Christ. I have learned more in this year and a half about myself and my faith then any other time in my life. And because of this I feel better equipped to love those around me better. And I have God and my husband to thank for that. =) 

A New Thing: 

A New Life- baby Cole

A New Path- A Deputy and a Stay at Home Mom (ahhh)

A New Understanding- breaking free from religiosity and learning to love like Christ did. Being genuinely vulnerable in your faith and weaknesses so that others can see Christ through it

more on that to come! 

thanks for journeying with us.