"..... My
addiction: legalism, a love relationship with the law. A solitary relationship
to Christ that no one could touch, change, or take away from me. It is me, and
God. He is the only person that will never let me down. He is the one person
whom I should aim to please in this life with my actions, thoughts, dreams,
desires, with my all- He is the only one that deserves it. And so I became an expert of the law. Works, right attitudes, deep understandings, and spiritual
routines became my drug of choice and I constantly craved more! It was how I numbed the feelings of
unworthiness, anger, confusion; I had a desire for real relationships but was not willing to be
disappointed. I wasn't willing to let down my walls that drove me into the ground of holding
myself to a standard so high. I
filled that desire for relationship, with God. I held onto the Scriptures that fueled my self-righteous attitude and ignored the ones about grace, love,
community– except of course when I had failed and in the comfort of my room, I'd confess how un-together I was.
And
so yes, God my loving Father’s truth’s kept me so close and near to Him, saving
me from many heartaches and trauma’s, but leading me to this place of needing
to release a sinful idolatry of the law. The last addiction of I can do this
myself; I have it all together. To now breaking me to understand fully His word, fully His heart, and His love. I was and am detached, I didn’t and I don’t know how
to be broken. I didn't know how to admit I was wrong, and that I could cause pain or hurt. Everything-everyone, I was fine. I had conditioned myself to not be broken. It was a game of knowing how
to say the right things at the right time; my specialty. But they all lacked compassion.
All this truth detached of real emotion. Detached of love. Full of selfishness. Selfish motives- to protect self. I feared, I hurt, and I numbed it with
the law and selfish dreams. I did not and do not know how to sit in the emotion
of hurt. So the way I cope is to justify it with Scripture, using it as expectations or challenges instead of freedom to just be. How exhausting to feel like everything must have a definite reason and I must
know it now or within a day because I must keep fighting this battle of legalism to keep up appearances-surely God
does not want me to hurt or show it. The ways this central belief play out in my day to
day life or in other relationships, the ways are countless but I tell you of my hope now.
It
is God’s grace that these self-inflicted expectations have begun to unravel in the last 4 years
through experiences, but most significantly when I met my husband. He
challenged me to my core in this area because everything about who he is, is
vulnerability and calm strength that allows Him to sit in God’s grace. I would
fight him on everything but I desired the gentle heart and consistent love,
truth, and freedom he spewed onto me in the most non-judgmental way. In our
marriage I have been able to stand on the line over and over again and choose
to let him see my vulnerability or I would relapse as we would say and get high
on my way, self-righteous tangent of how something was not good enough. My
husband is and has been the greatest example of the Gospel to me a Pharisee who
is comforted by the law. My husband and this class have been tools in freeing
me from the chains that found my identity and relief in having it all together,
and unrealistic expectations both practically and spiritually. I wrote in my journal the other night
that I feel a huge part of me has died. I feel right now that I am grieving
over my old habits, patterns, hurts, fears, judgments, resentments,
selfishness, blindness, to name a few. And my addiction and flesh desperately
want to tell you I have the answer. And in some ways I feel I do because of
this class, the Gospel and, learning to be still in God’s grace. I want to tell you how this
is going to play out in my life, how I am going to change, how I am going to
love better because of this. But for now I know I just need to sit in
brokenness for however long it takes. To repent and mull over the things
revealed by this class, and my addiction. To risk being vulnerable- a place
that justification of any kind cannot be."
Man, I feel God has released so much in this past year my "addiction" or burden to obey the law out of appearances or because we are supposed to as
Christians. This year has been
freedom in every aspect, yet it has also been a year that I have seen my prayer
life and my dependence on God grow and strengthen. Its ironic how when you live
in freedom and grace, you are actually more dependent and its from a place that
you cannot fake. You are real with yourself and others, you can extend grace to
yourself and others. You realize loving people and their stories is more important then preaching to them about right and wrong. What
doors that opens! Now my struggle is being around those still stuck in legalism. Those people infuriate me, I don’t want to be around
them because it reminds me of how blind and closed off I was…and yet I was there before. So how can I show grace to them even if they
never change. If I talk about the
freedom and share my deepest experiences and they just nod their head not willing to be vulnerable back- then what?
I crave real relationships. Because there I can see God’s beauty and glory
revealed through genuine honesty. And its “addicting.” How funny our nature to be addicted to
something. Ah learning the art of balance. Learning how Jesus associated with
everyone out of the same love even if it was in different ways. Let me learn
this now Jesus…
And now when I look at my beautiful pure baby boy I ask myself how
can I raise him in a way so that he discovers and desires genuine faith and
relationship with God. How can I show right and wrong without creating rules
and regulations to follow? I want him to love God with all his heart first and
live in and marvel at the grace and freedom God gives and in light of that live
out of obedience and conviction! I daily want that for myself too!
thanks for listening :)
